Day 5

Here I am, sitting around all day long, nothing to do. They say idle hands are the devil's playground, good thing I'm masturbating a lot otherwise I'd probably be a serial killer by now. But with all this down time I've had a lot of opportunities to research things I find interesting and want to learn more about. Today my research led me to the IMDb page for the new Dwayne "I'm not The Rock anymore" Johnson film "Tooth Fairy". I did this despite the fact that I do not think this film looks interesting. But I did want to learn more about it. Here's why:

The first rule of theater (and this applies equally to films) is "the suspension of disbelief". Impressed? I do have a degree, I'm not retarded. Don't let the 1,500 words about my pooping habits below fool you, I did learn something in school. So I go into even the most ridiculous looking of films with an open mind. After seeing dozens of previews for this movie over the past couple of days I wondered to myself "What possible explanation could this film have for old Dwayne turning into a tooth fairy?"

Luckily I didn't have to look farther than the one sentence plot synopsis at the top of the page. This is what it says:

"A bad deed on the part of a tough minor-league hockey player results in an unusual sentence: He must serve one week as a real-life tooth fairy."

What the fuck is that? Really? A bad deed is committed by "Derek" (according to IMDb Dwayne's character doesn't have a last name) and fate decides to teach him a lesson by becoming a tooth fairy??? What fucking lesson is he going to learn? From what I can tell in the TV spots he spends his week being bossed around by Mary Poppins and Billy Crystal (he still exists! Hooray?) and being chased by cats. I mean maybe the threat of being eaten by a cat could teach someone humility, right?

After taking a look at the theatrical trailers one learns that Dwayne's character is an enforcer on a minor league hockey team. His nickname, as the enforcer of the team, is the "Tooth Fairy". It's all finally coming together. Even though Dwayne's character is the tough guy on this blue collar hockey team I'm guessing there aren't too many (if any) hockey fights, realistic or not. There was a pretty hardcore hit in the trailer, I mean Dwayne put a guy through the fucking GLASS!!! Badass.

But there's no reason to make fun of how lame of a hockey player he is in this movie, because it's a children's movie, of course there won't be fights. Let me re-suspend my disbelief. Okay, so his nickname is the tooth fairy, and apparently fate or whatever has a sense of irony and thinks that him being a real tooth fairy for destroying someone's dreams may teach him a lesson. This is cute. I could buy this. So Derek Thompson (after a little more research I found the character's last name), for ruining a child's innocence and wonder, is sentenced to be a tooth fairy. This sentence presumably lasts until he grows a little bit, realizes the world doesn't revolve around him, and maybe stops being so angry that all his dreams didn't come true. What? The sentence is only for one week? Seriously? What the fuck is he going to learn in a week? Disbelief UNSUSPENDED!!

When you're writing a movie, and it's already got a guy becoming a tooth fairy, and clearly the laws of physics and nature have been suspended for your story, which is fine because it's a story, why the hell would you limit your protagonist's mythical rehabilitation to a week? What purpose does that serve? And how can a seemingly life long douche bag learn any kind of lesson in a week?

Holy shit. Fuck. Coming to realization mid blog. I've been doing this for five days and I'm already ripping on irrelevant movies for plot holes that don't matter and don't affect me in the least bit whatsoever. Oh my God. This is horrible. I need to go reevaluate my life. I'm gonna start looking for a job now. Good lord, what's become of me? What kind of monster have I become?

Goodbye for now. Lord help me.