Day 25

I've been feeling pretty uninspired lately. Cough medicine will do that to you. Also, no, I don't have a cold. I'm sorry, was that too real for you? Can't handle reading about me sippin' on some Nyquil nectar? Well welcome to the 21st century! The day we invented sex robots became the day robotripping (solely because of the name) became the official 21st century way to trip balls. By the way, that thing only seems like half a robot. I think it'd be more like fucking a mannequin that a drunk, perverted Jim Henson created than an actual robot. But seeing as I'm on the fast track to soul crushing loneliness I'm not gonna knock something made with my best interests in mind. I can't wait until that thing gets delivered to my apartment in 20 years. Guaranteed the deliverybot (that's right, bot) shows up just as my upity mother of two neighbor walks outside, AND it turns out that the sexbot is the deliverybot's cousin, talk about awkward, that'd be just my luck.

In all honesty though, parents already give me dirty looks, and have for some time. I think, and this blog probably helps to support this, that a lot of parents think I'm a degenerate. They look at me and immediately pass judgment. Not everyone standing in line at 1 PM at the grocery store wearing pajama pants and holding a 30 pack of Natty Light is an asshole ya know. But then again I probably shouldn't strike up a conversation with their children either. I'm just trying to be friendly, it's either them or the homeless guy buying and wearing the exact same thing as me, and who the fuck wants to talk to that guy?

I also do inappropriate things around children. I regret that sentence. I can delete it? Eh fuck it I'm already here. What I meant by that sentence was that I often have social slip ups around children. You won't find any weird chat conversations or horrible websites on my laptop's hard drive. And I swear all that gay porn is from a fraternity prank. Maybe I should just give an example before peoples' minds start to run wild.

EXAMPLE: At the zoo last year I really, really, really wanted a snow cone. I knew there was a snow cone stand somewhere, but for the life of me I couldn't find it. I ended up settling for one of those Minute Maid frozen pink lemonade things. Those things suck, and I was pissed at my purchase, as it was the last of the money I had on me. Literally three minutes later I walk past the snow cone stand. It's hot as balls, all I wanted was a snow cone and I have a shitty frozen lemonade. The snow cone stand was awesome too. There was a giant block of ice and there were so many different colored bottles of syrup it looked like someone had jacked off a rainbow. Before I could stop myself I had screamed "FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!" in frustration. I immediately realized what I'd done, everyone had stopped, mostly little kids and bewildered parents, all giving me dirty looks. You can't fix that, but I tried. I finished my statement by screaming "TERRORISM!!" I looked around for support but my fixer didn't work. Now the parents had to explain to their children that I had said a bad word AND explain what terrorism was. At least I kept "ABORTION!!!" in the chamber.

This kind of thing happens a lot. Ironically that wasn't the first time I made dozens of families uncomfortable at the zoo. My senior year of high school during a half day a bunch of my friends and I got really stoned and went to the zoo. We ended up sitting on the ground outside the brand new hippo cage watching the hippos swim, our faces pressed against the glass, mesmerized like we were staring into the face of God. We stayed like that for at least an hour. Everyone knew what was up. Another way not to try to make amens to disgusted parents? "Uh, sorry, want my Dippin' Dots?" Attempt to hand Dippin' Dots to child.

But the easiest way to make yourself look like a jerk off to parents? Drunk sledding. Unless you're in a college town or live near a secluded hill, it's nearly impossible to go sledding without children present. And unless you still possess the childlike wonder of an eight year old, it's nearly impossible to go sledding without drinking. Why? Because it's awesome. Ask Canada. The problem? It's a pretty easy way to injure, or at least recklessly endanger, dozens of children. I don't like to get behind the wheel under the influence, but I do like to hop on the sled. Unfortunately those two experiences have a lot in common. Except replace a steering wheel with desperately trying to shift your weight, parked cars with children, and add an obscene a need for speed.

I just want those parents who give me dirty looks to know one thing...my bad.

P.S.

Proof reading this made me want to edit my life.

P.P.S.

Eh, whatever, I'm over it.