One reason I haven't been writing as much is because I've started reading, like books and shit. Just one book actually, "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead", not exactly Tolstoy, although given the general retardation of society now-a-days it very well could be this generation's "War and Peace". Either way the book is pretty entertaining, and seeing how I'm kind of uninspired lately I thought I'd take (steal) a page from Max Brooks' highly entertaining book and write about an outrageous apocalypse or two. So without further ado:
My List of the Best and Worst Possible Apocalypses ie Things It'd be Fun to Kill/Terrible Ways to Die
The Worst Apocalypses (Terrible Ways to Die)
1) Global Warming (Roland Emmerich version)
First let me just warn everyone, Mr. Emmerich will be making a couple of appearances on this list since he only seems to make movies about the end of the world. In the last fifteen years, three of his six films have been about the end of the world. Another one of those six films was Godzilla, which was at least a disaster movie. Had the movie not been absolutely shitty, there could have been a sequel in which other radiation inflated iguanas from former French colonies in the South Pacific wreaked havoc all over the world. Was there any movie more likely to have a sequel that then suddenly had those sequel hopes unexpectedly killed off? Maybe Rosemary's Baby after the Roe v. Wade decision, but I really have no idea if that's true, I just really really hope it is.
Anyway, in "The Day After Tomorrow", weather kills people, you can't fight back against weather, and if you don't have the opportunity to blow some thing's head off, do you get any enjoyment out of the world ending? Getting killed by a giant tidal wave would suck, and here's why. Yes the sheer force of the wave would probably kill you instantly, so you wouldn't drown or anything, but the time between seeing the tidal wave and actual death is long enough to make you crap your pants in fear but too short for you to rip those pants off and find some hot girl to have hot apocalypse sex with. There are other types natural disasters that allot enough time for both, but not tidal waves. Pretty much every possible form of death in the global warming/bad weather apocalypse ensures either maximum discomfort or fear, and minimal enjoyment.
2) Global Warming (Al Gore version)
So far it's pretty fucking boring
3) Epic Alien Invasion
There are a couple different ways this has been portrayed, and this does not cover all of them. What I mean by "Epic Alien Invasion" is something along the lines of "War of the Worlds/"Independence Day". At first glance, these might seem pretty cool, but upon closer inspection it's pretty easy to tell that 99% of the population would have a pretty terrible time during these events. In both the examples I gave above, the average citizen is essentially helpless. Only military personnel have any chance at successfully fighting off these giant super powerful alien armies. Also the alien weapon of choice seems to be incineration, does exploding and burning alive seem like a bad way to die to anyone else? At least your wardrobe will survive, which is perhaps the greatest example ever of no one questioning Steven Spielberg. How it makes sense that clothes survive a heat ray but not the human body is beyond me, unless the heat ray is really just a "Left Behind" beam (isn't a sin to be naked though?). Really Spielberg? I know it's a movie about aliens, but come on.
The only way either of those scenarios would be enjoyable is if the aliens were actually retarded enough to invade a planet without immunizing themselves at all. Imagine this dream scenario, you're a male prostitute with a BAD case of herpes, and although at first a hassle, after the invasion begins it looks like your little problem has flared up at just the right time. Would there be anything more satisfying than killing evil space invaders with herpes? Just rub your junk on the doorknob, railings, and other household items you think the aliens would rummage through, all the while hiding in the attic with your box of Valtrex giggling to yourself as sweet, irritating justice is served. The only reason this isn't on the awesome list? You still have herpes.
4) Mayan Apocalypse
I actually first heard about the 2012 apocalypse back in the 90's. I don't know if that makes me cool because I was afraid of dying in 2012 before everyone else or what, but I mean yeah, probably it does. I remember watching a Discovery Channel special on it. The first time I ever heard the legend the TV told me that on December 21st, 2012 animals and nature were going to turn against humanity and that even inanimate objects and plants would become animate (or more animate) and start attacking humans. The TV special was pretty hilarious because it showed some guy getting choked because his tie was caught in a fax machine while his daughter was being, um...bitten I guess, by a hot waffle iron. I wonder where those actors are now?
Anyway at first I thought that it'd be kind of cool to have to fight off plants and waffle irons but then I realized that any weapon I tried to use would work against me. Guns would backfire, chainsaws would come undone and rip me in half, wood bats would splinter, metal bats would...do...something counterproductive. So the thought of trying to beat a waffle iron to death with my bare hands while "Lord of the Rings" trees attempted to sodomize me (they totally would) turned out to be a less than stellar way to go after all.
As far as the movie "2012" (Emmerich film number 3!), it falls back into the global warming category, there isn't much you can do to stop it, you don't have any time to have fun, and it's gonna be pretty painful and scary. Roland Emmerich, you have lame apocalypses.
5) Left Behind
I haven't seen the Left Behind series, but anything involving Kirk Cameron is probably gonna be pretty terrible.
The Best Apocalypses (Things It'd Be Fun to Kill)
1) Zombies
Yeah, I think we all saw this one coming. I won't elaborate too much because if you want to know how awesome a zombie apocalypse would be watch any of 100 different zombie movies, read the Max Brooks' books, or just use the power of imagination. I will say this, the zombie apocalypse would be far less enjoyable if the zombies were "runners". Runners are zombies that run, sprint really, and relentlessly try to eat you. I don't really think real zombies would be sprinters. Normal zombies shuffle (but are still a formidable opponent). That said "Zombieland" was awesome, and it had runners, and the first time I saw "28 Days Later" it was late, I was inebriated and alone, and went to bed really really scared. But just in case you're wondering why a zombie apocalypse would be awesome and don't want to watch and read awesome things, here's why...you get to kill dead people...any way you want. That. Is. Awesome.
2) Sneaky Aliens
This title is misleading. When I say sneaky aliens, I really just mean the aliens from "Signs". The only thing more fun than running around killing dead people with a chainsaw would be killing giant green aliens with a super soaker. If you haven't seen the movie "Signs", the aliens in it are vulnerable to water. It's like sulfuric acid to them. Why they came to a planet on which the deadliest substance known to their species covers 70% of the surface is unknown, but the good people at Hasbro Toys' water sports division will make sure they pay dearly for it. The one draw back is that the sneaky aliens are really sneaky, and would be fucking terrifying to go up against, and they fart poison out of their wrists. But I figure if you cover yourself in water, grab some super soakers, a water balloon launcher, and some beer and you could have yourself a fun little end of the world. If these aliens are as smart as they seem to be then their first order of business should be to take out all of the world's toy stores. We can only hope that they have as much trouble operating automatic doors as they do regular ones. Again, if you haven't seen the film, these aliens come to a planet filled with a deadly substance and simple tools they have no ability to use (they can't open doors, what the FUCK opens and closes their entrances?). Do you think they did any scouting or did they just show up to Earth and were like "Man, this is some bad fucking luck, whelp let's get out of here". Either way, killing aliens with toys that merely have the ability to blind children=fun.
3) Rise of the Machines
Let's say one day we invent artificial intelligence. And let's say on that same day we decide that Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics are unnecessary. Well, then we're fucked, but at least we'll be in for a hell of a ride. What separates fighting giant robot armies from giant alien armies is that humanity will have to conscript everyone since...um...I don't know, they just do. So everyone gets to fight, and kill robots! Are you seeing a trend here? Being actively involved in the apocalypse is a plus, being passively murdered by weather/the four horsemen/the weather/alien beams, not so much fun. Plus naked time travel may or may not be involved, and ensuring the survival of the species aka procreation aka apocalypse sex is not only a more than one time thing, it's downright patriotic. Worst case scenario? You get to perpetually live in the year 1999 after the machines conquer everything...actually that might kind of blow.
4) Asteroid/Comet
Apocalypse sex, that's it, that's all...and probably some awesome looting too.
That's the list. If I had to have my pick of best apocalypses, it'd be of the zombie variety, in case you were wondering.
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