So as I'm sitting here, so bored that once again I don't care that my mother has possession of the remote control, I'm forced to watch the hit(?) CBS crime drama for retards "Criminal Minds". I've never seen this show before. That however does not stop me from assuming that the show sucks. It's just one of those shows that you see previews for while watching an NFL game and think to yourself "CBS, watching football on your channel is the definition of necessary evil, because you suck."
Criminal minds is like "Law&Order" with twice the gore and messed up crimes and half the intelligence, attempts at realism (and Law&Order is by no means realistic, my attorney parents point out its flaws all the time) and quality actors. If you wonder what fans of Nancy Grace do on Wednesday nights, they watch "Criminal Minds".
I once read that most newspapers and magazines are written so that someone at an eighth grade reading level could comprehend the content. I read this like thirteen years ago though so I didn't really understand what was being said. I had actually gotten lost in the newspaper on my way to the comic strip "Baby Blues", those crazy babies say the craziest things, but in a weird way, they kind of make sense. It really makes you think. However "Criminal Minds" does not make you think. Yes, I am claiming that "Baby Blues" offers richer intellectual content than "Criminal Minds".
As I said, most magazines and newspapers are written to the reading level of an eighth grader (or somewhere near there). The scripts for "Criminal Minds" are written to level of an inbred Appalachian fourth grader with a learning disability whose attention can only be retained by shiny colors, graphic violence, and sexually attractive thirty somethings (is that a fucked up fourth grader, or a normal fourth grader?)
The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will at some point produce the works of William Shakespeare. I'm not sure if this is true, but if it is, I'm pretty sure a couple thousand years before the monkey cranks out some Shakespeare he'll have completed at least a season of "Criminal Minds". Could the show be early results of this experiment actually taking place? My head tells me yes, but my heart...also says yes. So, yes, that's what's happening here.
So, as the clock struck 8PM and my mother, being over fifty, kept the television on CBS, I had no choice but to watch "Criminal Minds". I decided to save anyone curious enough to ever watch "Criminal Minds" the trouble by giving a play by play of the episode, to illustrate just how bad, bland, and unoriginal this show is. I did my best to follow along. Let me just say, this one's a doozy, or more likely a completely normal episode of "Criminal Minds"
Criminal Minds Play by Play:
- Sexy black guy has apparently become "team leader" of the Criminal Minds FBI unit, but only temporarily replacing Greg from "Dharma and Greg", and despite the fact that Greg is still on the team. I missed the first five minutes so I don't know why, but my guess is, Greg is having some internal struggle, this show is deep.
- There's some weird edgy guy with long hair, he knows a lot about science and wears vests over hip button downs with rolled up sleeves, he also has long hair. Dude's edgy as fuck.
- Crime team is on a sexy, private plane (that's how the FBI rolls, bad ass private jets, join today!) making a game plan for the crime scene investigation, which I guess is in a different state. Sexy black guy has an awkward, "oh no I'm the team leader now!" moment. Everyone looks awkward. But the team gets over it quickly, they're pros.
- Weirdly dressed edgy girl calls edgy guy, she gives him info she looked up in her dark computer room she never leaves on her database of everything, edgy guy busts out some science. He's weird because he's smart, he says that sometimes people eat eyeballs so that might be why the guy cut out the eyeballs. It's like I'm really solving a crime right along with the FBI!
- OH MY GOD THEY JUST DID A SMASH CUT TO THE MURDERER EATING EYE BALLS OH FUCK THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK MY SHIT WHAT FUUUCK WTF WTF WTF THIS IS SO GROSS!!.......oh he's just eating eggs. You got me Criminal minds, you crazy bastards, that was a nice little camera trick, and those eggs did look like eyes OH SHIT THAT WAS THE MURDERER EATING EGGS BUT HE JUST BUSTED OUT THE REAL EYES HE'S KEEPING IN A JAR WTF WTF WTF OMG FUCK FUCK FUCK
- Sexy black guy talks to crying sexy victim, she's the girl's sister. She says they can't cremate her sister because they need all of her, including the eyes, or else her sister's soul will be cursed, apparently she's some weird religion. She's brown so should I have guessed that? Or is it a coincidence? Who's racist here me or CBS? Sexy victim asks, direct quote: "Can you find her eyes for us?", sexy black guy says he isn't sure. I guess this is the B story since they've completely abandoned Greg's inner struggle angle.
- Twenty minutes into the show and after three murders Joe Mantegna says he has a bad feeling about the serial killer that murders people and cuts out his victims' eyes. Greg from "Dharma and Greg" agrees. I also agree.
- In a dark, cold spooky autopsy lab, we hear some eye science, and they again figure out that the killer is keeping the eyes.
- CUT TO: Killer doing something devious
-CUT TO: a woman jogging at night, down a dark path, OH FUCK killer sets off a booby trap, it's a trip wire. Woman is confused but doesn't seem too concerned. The killer kills her, she's dead. The death toll is up to 4 in about twenty five minutes. I have no idea if this is a high or low number for this show, but it feels pretty average.
- Crime scene, jogger's dead, eyes gone. The team is concerned.
- Edgy guy talks to weird girl in computer room. She is searching the everything database to find specific answers to specific questions. She works quickly, but needs more time.
- Greg, using his power of detection, dissects the crime scene with sexy black guy and sexy lady detective. They figured out the killer's booby trap.
- CUT TO: Killer putting eyeballs in a jar, this guy is CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY
- "This guy is taking people's eyes, he's defiinitely disturbed", another astute observation from Joe Mantegna.
- Sexy black guy is worried about too much information leaking to the press. He doesn't want the public to be too scared by the eye ball killer, just a little scared.
- Greg and sexy black guy bicker at each other over strategy for a moment, uh oh, but the situation is quickly resolved. Then Joe Mantegna says "He's a natural leader just like yourself, what happens when he's asked to step down?" Joe Mantegna has a really easy job.
- CUT TO: The killer fashioning an eye ball scoop like blacksmiths of old.
- Criminal Minds team in front of murder photos talking to the press or something
- Press conference talking about the killer...it looks official
- Cut back and forth between the two
- Shit's getting real
- Killer looks deviously through some bushes, yearning to use his new eyeball scoop on a young couple sitting alone on a park bench at night mere hours after the press conference has let the public know about the killer who kills people and cuts out their eyeballs hanging around town.
- An official looking old lady is concerned about the solidity of the Criminal Minds team, sexy black guy reassures her, "this team is solid", five line conversation is over, dramatic moment to say the least.
- Killer stalks his prey in the park, and apparently has the ability to turn off the power for the four street lamps in the park. The couple gets scared, also the woman's cell phone isn't working, could it be the killer jamming the signal? The couple runs away, but without the four street lamps illuminated the park is pitch black. The couple "can't see anything!!!", I know this because they said it three times. The couple keeps running. The killer catches the guy and kills him. The girl is scared as the killer approaches. He is wearing night vision goggles. I have no idea where he got those. Cut to commercial before we see what happens to the girl. I'm guessing she doesn't have eyes anymore though.
- Sexy black guy looks over crime photos, confused, tired, conflicted, he's having trouble with this case. Right about now he's thinking "Oh man, my first time as team leader and this is my case?" The audience can really relate. Great writing. Joe Mantegna walks in and quickly reassures sexy black guy that he can do this. Joe Mantegna are you even trying? Whatever, it's nice to get a steady paycheck isn't it? I wouldn't know.
- At the crime scene, the killer only took the girl's eyes because he damaged the guy's eyes. Also his eyeball scoop worked really well.
- "I know this sounds crazy but here me out" says sexy black guy, he thinks the killer is a taxidermist. Aaaaand every middle aged woman in America now fears taxidermists.
- Weird girl looks over her computer database of everything and finds some info that helps out the team. "We may have something" muses Joe Mantegna...what the fuck Joe?
- Crazy looking taxidermist removes the eyes of a moose. Apparently creepy taxidermist has some money troubles according to the answering machine he bashes with a hammer. It is revealed that the killer puts the eyes he takes in the animals he preserves. Not really an explanation for it, but it's weird, and so is he, so it makes sense...perfect sense.
- Weird girl finds a ton information on her database of EVERYFUCKINGTHINGINTHEWORLD, including the killer's permanent record in grade school and his financial history, within three seconds.
- Team approaches the house, guns drawn, awww yeah, shit's going down. The team figures out the first murder, every single detail of it, after ten seconds in the house, despite finding only one clue. Within another forty seconds of investigation they've figured out the entire crime. These guys are good. If I ever get my eyes ripped out by a serial killer I Criminal Minds on the case, except Joe Mantegna. However I would like Mr. Mantegna to give my eulogy, after seeing this show it's pretty obvious now one can match his eloquence, insightful words, and generally calming demeanor. I'm not sure if the room would be full of dry eyes or wet ones.
- The killer's on the run, in a creepy rape van, with his left over eyeballs.
- The team figures out that all the killer has done his entire life is hunt and do taxidermy, so THAT'S why he's creepy and killing people! It's finally all coming together.
- Killer enters the house of a hot suburban woman. He drops off a preserved pig head, sexy suburbanite is pleased with the killer's work. The killer gets uncomfortably close and says "I need something from you" HE'S SOOOOOOO CREEPY, just like a serial killer would be, "Criminal Minds" is keepin' it real, real realistic that is. CUT TO: the same house, except dark, the team just showed up, is the woman still alive???? She answers the door. Phew. I guess that's just what the killer says when he collects the money he's owed, probably more effective ways to do that. Unless he isn't interested in repeat business. But then can you really expect much from a taxidermist serial killer?
-Hot nurse gets off a bus at night. Killer is probably stalking her. The team doesn't have much time. OH NO THE KILLER JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND SOMETHING AND GRABS HER. Sexy nurse fights back and mases him (you go girl!!!), Greg hears a struggle and pulls out his gun. The killer overcomes the woman and knocks her unconscious and is about to gauge some juicy juicy eyes. Greg goes bad ass FBI on him and arrests the killer. The sexy nurse is still alive, she's frightened but she'll be okay. We cut away before Joe Mantegna can say something to calm her down, but I'm sure he does.
- Sexy black guy confronts Greg, saying he should've waited for back up. Greg says he was okay and had it under control, sexy black guy accepts this, knowing that as a generally by the books law enforcer that doesn't always play by the rules he would have done the same.
- Killer to hot FBI office lady "You know you've got...real pretty eyes", he would.
- FBI confiscates all the taxidermed (is that a word?) animals, they find the other eyes. Things are wrapping up nicely...a little too nicely? Could something be up? Nope, it's 8:47, probably not.
- Sexy black guy tells sexy crying victim that he found her sisters eyes. The curse is lifted. What curse? I don't know, I don't think she does either. So there's the B story again, thirty minutes later, and consuming a total of five minutes of screen time. Honestly, I'm disappointed, the only thing I was ever truly excited about was this mysterious curse that would cause people to burned for eternity if they weren't burned with their eyeballs.
- End with some ancient smart sounding quote and weird girl talking to sexy black guy. Sexy black guy references his penis to weird girl. Weird girl calls him a tease and then takes him to his new office that she decorated. Hooray what a nice ending. They solve crimes, but they're nice people too. Sexy law enforcers need a break every now and again.
- So with a new office and yet another dangerous eye scooping serial killer behind bars, sexy black guy can relax, a hard day's work completed. Life moves on. Except for Greg, who's in his office, struggling internally, but I guess we're saving that for another day.
After reading this I guess I've nitpicked a lot. I'm obviously not an expert on law enforcement. Also, I've only been to four murder scenes, and only in one of those was the victim missing eyes (but that was more of a decomposition issue), so it's not like I'm an expert on that either. However, I just feel like "Criminal Minds" is a little...um...what's the word...fucking stupid.
No comments:
Post a Comment